Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.