How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice