How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified