Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

wut hotdog?

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.