How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
You Might Also Like
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Finally, an explanation.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Would you wear it?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
So many village idiots. So few dragons.