how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
love it when they get my name right
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff