Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.