Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

The Punning Dead.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

this is the greatest thing ever

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

No. He’s not coming out to play

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Lol.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.