Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor