Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

got so much cardio in today

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.