How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”