How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
How dramatic are you?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
? 💀
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?