How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?