Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
sorry password must contain a special character
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.