@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

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@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@OldSpice

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@jergarl

“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

@SkinnerSteven

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

@AnnieRUOakley

You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.