How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Watson was Holmes schooled
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.