Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike: