How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
my retirement plan is braless
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]