How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines