Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*