Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

the zen of frog