How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
shazam but for random noises outside
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
