How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong