How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.