How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
