How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
