How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
huge valentines day plans this year!!
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now