How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
bugs when you lift up a rock
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”