How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner