How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
road rage
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.