How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73