How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
This is my emotional support knife.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.