How to make infinite energy.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to