How to make infinite energy.
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”