How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
