How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro