Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Still my favourite meme.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse