Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?