Finally a use for spoilers…
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.