How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
when you order from DoorDastardly
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Hamburger Hinderer.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting