Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

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As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!