How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Huge if true.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
i wonder why they stopped looking
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
He instantly became one of the bros
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).