Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

How software testing works

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.