Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

This why you should mind your business

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

There is no “ea” in Tim.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.