Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs