How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏