Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.