how to market bottled water to dads
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
#Caturday
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow