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Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.