how to market bottled water to dads
You Might Also Like
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
SF is the wild wild west man