How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Not😆🤣
I feel seen.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Not helping
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!