How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*