“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
me refusing to leave twitter
