“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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any last words?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Does beer think about me too?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
