“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.