How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.