How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me