The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Worst perfume name ever.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap