Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!