Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

always be there

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Me too door. Me too.