Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?