How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: youâre doing it!
7: uhoh
#: thatâs not even a number
đ´: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think âstabbyâ is a feeling, right?
Many people donât know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
guard your heart, cater to no manâs ego, honor your own time and your energy, donât use uber. happy 2015.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
In my daydreams Iâm majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, Iâm a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Wait for itâŚ
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i donât wanna say itâs embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I donât have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. Thereâs a man there. He speaks,
âHello. I sell doorbells.â
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as âthe brownies ladyâ but for very different reasons
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: Weâre standing right here!
Saw Les MisĂŠrables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesnât seem excessive for stealing bread.
I didnât choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but Iâm wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didnât want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things sheâd forgotten.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I donât want it. You have it.
Him: I donât want it either, youâŚ
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, theyâre now all my enemies, but theyâre naked & having cereal for brekkie.
guys Iâm going home
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of DoritosâŚ
Iâm exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
He: Thatâs a handsome dog. Whatâs his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My boyfriend said we canât hang out this weekend because he doesnât exist.