Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Is your wife single?

When I face a minor setback

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival