Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

man i love columbo

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever