How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
đ´: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasnât looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
House sitting for friends while theyâre out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If youâd like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Person: âWhy are you in a wheelchair?â
Me [from my wheelchair]: âMy jet pack is in the shop.â
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Iâm thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Instructor: âWeapons are oft named for their purpose.â
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[cop who just pulled me over] i know youâre not really asleep
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I wonât be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: No more treats, pal. Youâve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what âthreeâ means? Iâm not even sure how many legs I have.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.