Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

The opposite of goth is stopth.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.