Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…