Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

my favorite genre of twitter

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Friday night party time 🥳

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Best spoiler warning ever

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.