How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
So glad we cleared that up
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up