Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss