How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
You Might Also Like
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these