Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.