My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
yeet
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]