Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own