How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pickled cat.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.