How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You Might Also Like
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
What?!?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.